Ground Beef Stroganoff

So sometimes I steal pictures of food off the internet because I forget about posting to my food blog until I'm eating delicious things. So when the photo copyright lawsuits start, I'll start a Go Fund Me for all of my readers (currently numbering zero, I believe) to donate to my legal fees. And, yes, this photo is stolen, too.

What we've got here, my dears, is homemade ground beef stroganoff, AKA Hamburger Helper (more lawsuits! Unleash the lawyers!) I know it's better than that boxed crap (come at me, Hamburger Helper oven mitt man) but I knew it was blog-worthy when the tweens remarked multiple times that it was good. Bear in mind, they typically hate everything with all the emo indifference they can muster. So here. Eat it.

Ground Beef Stroganoff

2-3 cups uncooked egg noodles
1 lb. ground beef
1/2 t garlic powder
1/2 t salt
1/2 t Montreal Steak Seasoning
1/2 stick butter
1/4 cup flour
1.5 cups beef broth
1/2 cup sour cream

In a large frying pan, brown burger, adding seasonings. Remove from pan. In same pan, melt butter over medium heat until bubbly. Add flour and whisk for 2 minutes. Slowly whisk in broth until well combined. Whisk in sour cream. Add beef and noodles to the pan and cook until warmed through. Serve. If you're fancy, add chopped parsley on top like you see in this stolen picture.
☠ Enjoy your poison. ☠

Peaches 'n' Cream Smoothie

Short of stuffing fruit and veggies into your kids' mouths while they sleep, it can be tough to get them to eat their recommended daily amount. Since that's kind of a choking hazard, try this instead. This smoothie makes a wonderful breakfast or "dessert" and is packed with the good stuff. Top it off with a pouf of whipped cream and your fruitless angels will be happily slurping up their vitamins. 

Peaches 'n' Cream Smoothie

1/2 cup almond-coconut milk
3/4 cup orange-mango juice
1/2 frozen banana
1 cup frozen peach slices
whipped cream

Do we need instructions here? Add ingredients to your blender-bullet-ninja-mix and whir until creamy and smooth. Top with whipped cream, if desired. Slurp. Get all fruit-vitamin glowy and stuff. Enjoy your poison. ☠

Shemp Lettuce Wraps (Nyuk, Nyuk, Nyuk)

Does everyone pronounce shrimp as Shemp and then do the Curly nyuks? I knew it.

So it's getting hotter outside and I purposely kept my frostbitten tongue silent all through this bastardly winter so that I could bitch about the summer heat and humidity. It was over 80 today, so let the heat-induced crankiness ensue. I did NOT feel like heating up the house or standing over the grill for dinner, so from my bitchiness these shrimp (nyuk-nyuk-nyuk) lettuce wraps were born.

Aren't they lovely? Little morsels of shrimp tossed with a scrumptious Asian-style sauce and crisp broccoli slaw all served up on a fresh romaine leaf and topped with green onions and crunchy peanuts. Yum! Screw you, summer!

Yield: 4 wraps (and I ate them all)
Ingredients:
4 Romaine lettuce leaves
8 Shrimp (size 20-26 or whatever you like) - cleaned, deveined, etc., (I cheated and bought them from the meat counter all ready for me)
2 green onions, diced
2 T peanuts, chopped
2 cups broccoli slaw (in the bagged lettuce section)

For the sauce:
3 T water 
1 T oil (I used olive oil)
1 T creamy peanut butter 2 T Hoisin Sauce
2 t soy sauce
2 t lime juice
1/2 t red pepper flakes (to taste)
2 t sugar (to taste)
1/2 t sesame oil, optional

Whip up all the sauce ingredients together and set aside. Coarsely chop your shrimp, discarding any tails or heads or bow ties or whatever else those little devils have on them that you don't want to eat. 
Toss shrimp and broccoli slaw with dressing. Split your filling between your lettuce leaves and top with peanuts and green onions.
 
☠ Enjoy your poison. ☠

Pizza Pita "Lunchables"

Lunch box alert! Kids dig Lunchables. I get it. They're brightly colored with those rad segmented trays and that shrink wrap stuff on top. Seriously though. Do I really want my kid having a Butterfinger and Kool-Aid for lunch every day? Not to mention they are way too spendy. 

Also, it's April. Enough already with the PB&Js and the turkey/cheese wraps, right? I packed these last week because I was out of bread and, as they say, necessity is the mother of invention, n'est-ce pas? And my precious snowflakes lost their sh*t they were so excited.

Easy. Cheap. Healthier than some options. So, just grab a pita and cut it into 8 "pizza slices." I give each kid four pita wedges. Then use those little cups (souffle cups, I think?) and give them some pizza sauce, mozzarella, and whatever toppings they like. I suppose a good parent would have green peppers and other veggie offerings. Hey, my ham doesn't judge you, so don't judge my ham. Include a little something for spreading the sauce. Ta-da! Happy kids, happy mom.

(and, yeah, that's a Nuts 'n' Seeds Granola Bar in the back!)

☠ Enjoy your poison. ☠

Nuts 'n' Seeds Granola Bars

Now I'm not going to claim these are super duper healthy, but they are homemade so you get to see what's in them and customize for your kids' tastes. For example, you could use any nut butter, use more honey and eliminate the corn syrup, add dried fruit, change up the nuts. My kids wolf these down and brag to their buddies that "my mom makes these HOMEMADE." And isn't that the most important thing -- what other people think?

Ingredients:
1/4 cup butter
1/4 cup peanut butter
1/4 cup brown sugar
1/4 cup honey
1/4 cup light corn syrup
1 t vanilla
1 1/2 cup oats
1 1/2 cup crisp rice cereal
1/4 cup chopped nuts
1/4 cup mini chocolate chips
1/4 cup rainbow sunflower seeds

Line an 8x8 pan with parchment paper. In a saucepan over medium heat, cook butter, peanut butter, brown sugar, honey and corn syrup until smooth -- about 5 minutes. Remove from heat and add vanilla. Meanwhile, mix up oats, cereal and nuts in a big bowl. Add your sauce to your cereal mix and stir very well. Press cereal mixture into the 8x8. Sprinkle chocolate chips and sunflower seeds on top. Then press firmly using a spatula to get a nice even pan of bars.

Refrigerate at least an hour. Then cut into 12 bars. To cut, I lift mine right out of the pan using the parchment. Wasn't that easy? Aren't we smart?

I either wrap mine in wax paper individually or put each one into a snack-sized zip-up bag. Keep refrigerated or freeze. So handy and tasty for breakfast, snack, and lunchboxes.

☠ Enjoy your poison. ☠

Easy Peasy Veggie Stir-Fry

First off, let me say it would be super cool if this recipe contained peas because then the title would be more clever. Well, it doesn't. But you could add peas to make an honest woman of me.

I make this stir-fry for lunch for myself when the kids are in school because I think they just might implode from all the veggie goodness here. It's tasty, satisfying, and completely guilt-free. The broccoli slaw shortcut is genius, if I do say so my damn self.

Ingredients:
brown rice
1 t Olive Oil
1 clove of garlic, minced
1 t ginger, minced
1/2 t sesame oil
1/2 t chili oil
2 c broccoli slaw
1/2 cup sliced hearts of palm (you can sub artichokes if you like, or skip altogether)
1/2 c chicken broth
1 t cornstarch
a few drops of Sriracha
1 t soy sauce

Prepare your rice or quinoa or whatever you want to serve this over, if anything.

Heat up a wok or large saute pan. Add olive oil to the hot pan. Add ginger and garlic. Saute for a minute. Add sesame and chili oil. Now add your slaw and hearts of palm and saute for a few minutes, tossing frequently. While the veggies cook, in a separate bowl, whisk together 1/2 cup of broth, cornstarch and add sriracha and soy.

When your veggies are done, remove them from the pan. Then pour your sauce into the hot pan and whisk until thickened -- about 3 minutes. Then add veggies back in and toss to combine. Serve hot over brown rice.

☠ Enjoy your poison. ☠

Java Chip Frappuccino Copycat

If you haven't yet tried the Java Chip Frap from Starbucks, you are missing out. You're probably also richer and thinner than I am because they are spendy ... and caloriffic, I assume, because everything awesome is. I created this home version for my 11-going-on-34 tween to save myself some coin because once I introduced her to them, she was hooked. So this is a recipe for the decaf version. I make a fully loaded version for myself using the Starbucks Via instant happiness coffee packets.

Ingredients:
1 t decaf instant coffee
3 T hot water
1 cup chocolate milk
2 T flavored creamer (I used International Delight Sweet Cream)
1 cup ice
1 T mini chocolate chips, plus a few more for garnish
Whipped cream for garnish

Mix up your coffee and hot water, add chocolate milk (or kwawk-wit milk as we call it), then creamer, ice, and 1 T of chips. Spin it up in your blender or Magic Bullet. What? I like infomercials and they like me. Top with whipped cream and remaining chips.

Warning: Drink carefully. I think I sprained my tongue when a chip chunk got caught in my straw.