Shemp Lettuce Wraps (Nyuk, Nyuk, Nyuk)

Does everyone pronounce shrimp as Shemp and then do the Curly nyuks? I knew it.

So it's getting hotter outside and I purposely kept my frostbitten tongue silent all through this bastardly winter so that I could bitch about the summer heat and humidity. It was over 80 today, so let the heat-induced crankiness ensue. I did NOT feel like heating up the house or standing over the grill for dinner, so from my bitchiness these shrimp (nyuk-nyuk-nyuk) lettuce wraps were born.

Aren't they lovely? Little morsels of shrimp tossed with a scrumptious Asian-style sauce and crisp broccoli slaw all served up on a fresh romaine leaf and topped with green onions and crunchy peanuts. Yum! Screw you, summer!

Yield: 4 wraps (and I ate them all)
Ingredients:
4 Romaine lettuce leaves
8 Shrimp (size 20-26 or whatever you like) - cleaned, deveined, etc., (I cheated and bought them from the meat counter all ready for me)
2 green onions, diced
2 T peanuts, chopped
2 cups broccoli slaw (in the bagged lettuce section)

For the sauce:
3 T water 
1 T oil (I used olive oil)
1 T creamy peanut butter 2 T Hoisin Sauce
2 t soy sauce
2 t lime juice
1/2 t red pepper flakes (to taste)
2 t sugar (to taste)
1/2 t sesame oil, optional

Whip up all the sauce ingredients together and set aside. Coarsely chop your shrimp, discarding any tails or heads or bow ties or whatever else those little devils have on them that you don't want to eat. 
Toss shrimp and broccoli slaw with dressing. Split your filling between your lettuce leaves and top with peanuts and green onions.
 
☠ Enjoy your poison. ☠

Pizza Pita "Lunchables"

Lunch box alert! Kids dig Lunchables. I get it. They're brightly colored with those rad segmented trays and that shrink wrap stuff on top. Seriously though. Do I really want my kid having a Butterfinger and Kool-Aid for lunch every day? Not to mention they are way too spendy. 

Also, it's April. Enough already with the PB&Js and the turkey/cheese wraps, right? I packed these last week because I was out of bread and, as they say, necessity is the mother of invention, n'est-ce pas? And my precious snowflakes lost their sh*t they were so excited.

Easy. Cheap. Healthier than some options. So, just grab a pita and cut it into 8 "pizza slices." I give each kid four pita wedges. Then use those little cups (souffle cups, I think?) and give them some pizza sauce, mozzarella, and whatever toppings they like. I suppose a good parent would have green peppers and other veggie offerings. Hey, my ham doesn't judge you, so don't judge my ham. Include a little something for spreading the sauce. Ta-da! Happy kids, happy mom.

(and, yeah, that's a Nuts 'n' Seeds Granola Bar in the back!)

☠ Enjoy your poison. ☠

Nuts 'n' Seeds Granola Bars

Now I'm not going to claim these are super duper healthy, but they are homemade so you get to see what's in them and customize for your kids' tastes. For example, you could use any nut butter, use more honey and eliminate the corn syrup, add dried fruit, change up the nuts. My kids wolf these down and brag to their buddies that "my mom makes these HOMEMADE." And isn't that the most important thing -- what other people think?

Ingredients:
1/4 cup butter
1/4 cup peanut butter
1/4 cup brown sugar
1/4 cup honey
1/4 cup light corn syrup
1 t vanilla
1 1/2 cup oats
1 1/2 cup crisp rice cereal
1/4 cup chopped nuts
1/4 cup mini chocolate chips
1/4 cup rainbow sunflower seeds

Line an 8x8 pan with parchment paper. In a saucepan over medium heat, cook butter, peanut butter, brown sugar, honey and corn syrup until smooth -- about 5 minutes. Remove from heat and add vanilla. Meanwhile, mix up oats, cereal and nuts in a big bowl. Add your sauce to your cereal mix and stir very well. Press cereal mixture into the 8x8. Sprinkle chocolate chips and sunflower seeds on top. Then press firmly using a spatula to get a nice even pan of bars.

Refrigerate at least an hour. Then cut into 12 bars. To cut, I lift mine right out of the pan using the parchment. Wasn't that easy? Aren't we smart?

I either wrap mine in wax paper individually or put each one into a snack-sized zip-up bag. Keep refrigerated or freeze. So handy and tasty for breakfast, snack, and lunchboxes.

☠ Enjoy your poison. ☠

Easy Peasy Veggie Stir-Fry

First off, let me say it would be super cool if this recipe contained peas because then the title would be more clever. Well, it doesn't. But you could add peas to make an honest woman of me.

I make this stir-fry for lunch for myself when the kids are in school because I think they just might implode from all the veggie goodness here. It's tasty, satisfying, and completely guilt-free. The broccoli slaw shortcut is genius, if I do say so my damn self.

Ingredients:
brown rice
1 t Olive Oil
1 clove of garlic, minced
1 t ginger, minced
1/2 t sesame oil
1/2 t chili oil
2 c broccoli slaw
1/2 cup sliced hearts of palm (you can sub artichokes if you like, or skip altogether)
1/2 c chicken broth
1 t cornstarch
a few drops of Sriracha
1 t soy sauce

Prepare your rice or quinoa or whatever you want to serve this over, if anything.

Heat up a wok or large saute pan. Add olive oil to the hot pan. Add ginger and garlic. Saute for a minute. Add sesame and chili oil. Now add your slaw and hearts of palm and saute for a few minutes, tossing frequently. While the veggies cook, in a separate bowl, whisk together 1/2 cup of broth, cornstarch and add sriracha and soy.

When your veggies are done, remove them from the pan. Then pour your sauce into the hot pan and whisk until thickened -- about 3 minutes. Then add veggies back in and toss to combine. Serve hot over brown rice.

☠ Enjoy your poison. ☠

Java Chip Frappuccino Copycat

If you haven't yet tried the Java Chip Frap from Starbucks, you are missing out. You're probably also richer and thinner than I am because they are spendy ... and caloriffic, I assume, because everything awesome is. I created this home version for my 11-going-on-34 tween to save myself some coin because once I introduced her to them, she was hooked. So this is a recipe for the decaf version. I make a fully loaded version for myself using the Starbucks Via instant happiness coffee packets.

Ingredients:
1 t decaf instant coffee
3 T hot water
1 cup chocolate milk
2 T flavored creamer (I used International Delight Sweet Cream)
1 cup ice
1 T mini chocolate chips, plus a few more for garnish
Whipped cream for garnish

Mix up your coffee and hot water, add chocolate milk (or kwawk-wit milk as we call it), then creamer, ice, and 1 T of chips. Spin it up in your blender or Magic Bullet. What? I like infomercials and they like me. Top with whipped cream and remaining chips.

Warning: Drink carefully. I think I sprained my tongue when a chip chunk got caught in my straw.

Quinoa Tacos (or Taquos, if you're nasty)

Maybe "nasty" isn't a welcome word in the title of a food blog post. But if you don't get the Janet Jackson reference, maybe you don't belong here. WAIT! Please stay. I promise these Taquos are worth putting up with my snark.

So your family is having tacos and you're having a battle with the scale. Don't fret, amiga. You can have healthy, filling, totally soul-satisfying "tacos" without hating yourself.

Ingredients:
Romaine lettuce
1/2 cup prepared taco meat
1/2 cup prepared quinoa

For the sauce: 1/4 cup sour cream, 1/4 cup plain nonfat greek yogurt, 1/4 cup salsa (I like verde, but your choice.) This is a really easy sauce to customize, too, depending on what you have handy. You can add jalapenos (pickled or fresh), fresh cilantro, lime. Add a little salt to taste and you've got a yummy light topper or dip for all things Mexican.

Easy enough. Just mix the taco meat and quinoa and serve as lettuce wraps. Top with sauce.

Enjoy the poison. ☠

Funfetti Pancakes

If you've been looking for a special birthday breakfast for your littles, this just might be it. It's Funfetti cake mix pancakes with a side of -- as Wilford Brimley might say -- the "diabetus." Yeah, they're unapologetically sweet and colorful and FUN, so knock it off and make 'em for your precious snowflake on her big day. It's only once a year. And don't forget to serve them with a side of bacon, also covered in sprinkles because those little a-holes are everywhere once you crack their seal.

Makes: A load. Like, seriously, you will be pawning these off on passers-by.
Ingredients:
1 box Pillsbury Funfetti cake mix
1 cup flour
2 eggs
2 1/4 c milk

One secret to great pancakes is to make your better well ahead of time and let it rest. Simmer down. You don't HAVE to.

Do we need instructions for pancakes? Well, I'm nothing if not a little touched by OCD, so here goes.
Mix all ingredients. Rest batter, if desired. Heat up a griddle until a drop of water sizzles and dances on it. Butter griddle or spray with nonstick spray. Pour on your batter and wait until you see bubbles on the surface to turn. If your batter is too thick, add milk. If you want to hold them, set your oven to "warm" and keep them in there until ready to serve.

Top your pancakes with whipped cream and sprinkles. I served three per plate and put a little whipped cream between each pancake which made for a new breakfast game we dubbed "Slide-y fall-y pancake mess."

Enjoy the poison. ☠

Cheater Chili

This chili is full of flavor. No scavenging the depths of the fridge to find something (God, anything) to give this one a boost. It's cheater chili because it uses a couple of shortcuts to add flavor fast.

Makes About 10 cups. 

Ingredients:
1 medium yellow onion, diced
3 ribs celery, diced
1/2 green pepper, diced
2 T olive oil
1 T butter
2 lbs beef
28 oz. crushed tomatoes
2-3 cans traditional Chili Magic beans
2 cups beef broth
1/2 package chili seasoning mix

Heat oil and butter over medium heat in your big soup pot or Dutch oven. Once the butter is bubbly, add the Holy Trinity (onion, celery, green pepper). Saute until soft. Remove veggies from pot and set aside.

Prep your meat, if necessary. You can use tri-tip steak, round steak, etc., and chop it into little cubes. It helps to partially freeze it. I like using cube steak, diced. You can also just use ground beef. Just remember, good quality meat makes good quality chili. Bad beef makes tomato-y, bean-y crap.
Add your meat to the hot pan and brown.

Once your meat is nicely browned, add veggies back in. Add your tomatoes.

Now the beans. If you can't find the Chili Magic, any old beans will do, but these add a beautiful texture to the soup and every bean is full of chili goodness.

Add your beef broth to your desired consistency. Two cups makes me happy.  Finally, add a prepared chili seasoning to your own tastes.

I like this one because it comes with a separate hot pack and masa flour, so you can customize your chili. I used about half the packet.

Heat it all up and eat it immediately if you want to. I subscribe to the theory that chili is better after some time. So I typically make this in the morning and then transfer it to my crockpot to cook on low until dinner time. It would be super terrific after a night in the fridge, too.

That's it. Top that yumminess with cheese, sour cream, green onions. Serve it over macaroni or spaghetti. Freeze your leftovers and turn it into Chili Mac by adding cooked elbow macaroni and way too much freshly shredded cheddar cheese.

Here's the finished product. Whoopsie, did I top my Cheater Chili with so many yummy extras that you can't see it? Sorry about that.

Enjoy the poison. ☠

Poison for Dinner?

"Mom! What's for dinner?"
"Poison."
You see, that's my answer more often than not because I've learned over my 11 years of motherhood that no matter what I say is for dinner, the response from my daughters will typically be, "I don't like that." So when it's not poison for dinner, it's worms ... or oatmeal, which is probably not instilling a healthy respect for that particular superfood in my young eaters.

I'm a mom of two tweens (10 and 11) with palates that are still developing and often changing. My youngest, for example, when offered her choice of cuisines for her birthday dinner this week chose -- ta da -- buttered noodles. For lunch today? Buttered noodles. She might be prepping for a marathon or something. I'm not sure. She's been buried in her computer for months. My eldest is my more adventurous eater at the moment. She's tried sushi and everything.

I'm not a trained chef, but more of a Food Network cook. My dad is a foodie with excellent technical and artistic ability in the kitchen. As with many of the best chefs though, his answers are often vague or blatantly dismissive when asked for his secrets. So I'm on my own -- just me and Ina and Tyler, that is.

You can come here for actual recipes that are not always organic-whole food-quinoa-infused health bombs. But I do try now and again to introduce my kids to nutrients. I would describe many of my dishes as semi-homemade, but don't expect matching cocktails or tablescapes. It's food kids will actually eat ... usually.

Enjoy the poison. ☠